stunning speeches

speeches are the most eagerly awaited, and the most dreaded, part of the wedding day.

The guests are seated and lubricated by a few glasses of vino, willing the speakers to make them laugh, cry, sigh… and be outraged with mock indignation. This puts a lot of pressure on the top table to be as entertaining as possible.

A new modern idea is for the bride to say a few words – but I would offer a few words of warning. Brides can work themselves up into a hormonal frenzy in the weeks before their wedding. Putting that extra pressure on yourself to stand in front of a crowd and be witty and charming could be tricky.

The same should be said for asking your bridesmaids to say a few words. Your bridesmaids’ main responsibility is to look after you – and how can they do that when they’re practicing their lines in the mirror?
If you or your friends want to speak, therefore, think long and hard about the extra stress you’re putting on yourselves – and if it’s worth it.

Saying all this, the poor men don’t have an option about it – they must do some kind of address, even if it’s a quick toast and a thank you.

Forget tradition, if you must and make it easier by:
	Getting speeches out of the way during the welcome drinks, or before the starter is served at mealtime.
	Setting a time limit of, say, three minutes per speaker.
	Handing out set jokes (all the winners) that they could include on the day to the best man and father of the bride while they are preparing the speeches.
	Using visual aids: if you’re too nervous to talk, pre-record a mini film about your partner, the wedding, your guests, and so on. Or shift the attention away from your blushing cheeks, by asking the ushers to hand out hilarious photographs.

joking apart

It’s not easy being funny, but here are the classics:
	This wedding has been so emotional that even the cake is in tiers (the best man).
	The week before the wedding a robber stole my credit card. I haven’t reported it to the police because he spends less than my new wife (the groom).
	My daughter was worried she’d mess up the service, so I said just remember: you walk up the aisle, stand at the altar and sing the first hymn. Imagine the groom’s face when she walked towards him, mouthing ‘aisle-alter-hymn’ (father of the bride).
	I can’t speak for long because of my throat. If I say too much the groom has threatened to cut it (best man).
	I’ve been told to keep this short, like so many things in the groom’s life (best man).
	Being asked to be the best man is rather like being asked to be the Queen. It’s a great honour but you wish someone else would do it (best man).

top toasts

It is a formal requirement to thank the wedding party, but if a friend has been there just for you during a stressful few months – get a round of applause for them too!

And when you’re handing out thankyou presents, you don’t have to stick to the usual bouquet of flowers for the mothers and bottle of whiskey for the dads. Have more fun than that. Book them a weekend away while you’re away relaxing on your honeymoon. Or buy them a special photo frame or album – they’ll be so proud of all your wedding photos they’ll want to store them properly. Don’t feel you have to get the bridesmaids something traditional and formal. They’ll never wear a brooch! If they’re all mad for Haviana’s get them a pair of each colour.

Go customise crazy with everyone else: get them commemorative champagne glasses, T-shirts or a bottle of wine with the date of your wedding on, so they’ll always remember they played a special part in your special day.

Telegrams should be read out – but only if the writers aren’t present. And keep it brief (read the full transcript when you’ve got more time) and think about adding interest by getting a sweepstake going around the tables on how long it will take to complete the speeches and toasts – this keeps the men listening.